


Because It Is Bitter, and Because It Is My Heart

by Hoodoo



Category: A-Team (2010)
Genre: Angst, Drugs, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-09
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-19 05:16:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/197303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoodoo/pseuds/Hoodoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murdock has a new girlfriend.  Face may not survive it.  (Included will be some sex, some (anti-psychotic) drugs, and a passing mention of rock and roll.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the desert

**Author's Note:**

> No recognizable characters are mine. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> This is my first posting within this site. My account at ff.net has a story ("Paper Roses") that precedes the timing of this piece by many months.
> 
> Just for a bit of background: I am very interested in the scope and limitations of Murdock's medications, and just what they do to him. I'm also interested in Face's involvement and handling of Murdock's condition, and how it affects him personally.

Murdock was annoying and frustrating, just ask B.A. . . . but he was a genuinely nice guy. And brilliant. And pop culture obsessed. And, craziness aside, the best damn pilot. Ever. Okay, and he tended to use gunpowder as a flavoring agent.  


Plus he was on a truckload of medications that worked most of the time, but when they didn’t he had hallucinations and breakdowns and once sliced his arms open with a dull box cutter because of the moths he insisted were under his skin—he wept when no one else could see that that wasn’t hair on his forearms, but the moths’ antennae poking through—but those types of episodes were few and far between.  
But focus on the “nice guy” and as long as the meds were keeping the demons at bay, he was just quirky.  


The team didn’t blame Rio for leaving. Well, they did blame her, but they understood. Face held the grudge the longest, and when Murdock began semi-seeing this new girl, he projected the same shallowness on her and could hardly be in the same room she was.  


Murdock called him out on it.  


“You’re pretty rude, you know.”  


Face hadn’t quite known how to respond to the blunt assessment of his behavior. His first reaction was to defend himself (and subsequently, Murdock too) and give his reasons for disliking her. But with some quick empathetic thinking, he realized that telling Murdock he thought his newest squeeze was going to freak out and leave him in the same depressed boat—the one in which he didn’t talk for three to four days straight, remember? And how I found you repeatedly, multiple times, slamming your head into the walls, till you were bruised and bloody, remember, buddy?—that the last one had probably wouldn’t be incredibly sensitive to his friend either.  
So he sucked it up and gave Kerry a chance. He didn’t turn on the faucet of charm as he typically would. He remained slightly cool but civil. To his surprise, he discovered that once again, Murdock had found a woman who laughed at his jokes, ate his cooking with little protest, watched the Three Stooges with him, and got along (as best she could with a stand-offish Templeton Peck) with his three best friends.  


She never seemed perplexed about any odd gifts Murdock came up with. That included a diagram of a weasel—“Nature’s lustiest animal,” she told Face that Murdock explained, and she laughed not at Murdock but with him—and returned the favor with a t-shirt on which was printed,  


“Wolverines taste like chicken.”  


Murdock adored it, trying to analyze it logically. “Is it because we’re in Ohio and the Buckeyes versus Michigan Wolverines rivalry is strong, or is it a Sabretooth fan versus Wolverine in the comics, or do actual wolverines actually taste like chicken?”  


He posed the quandary frequently, and again, she laughed with him, not at him.  


Hannibal and B.A. seemed to like her fine as well. Kerry was pleasant and fun, and from the newsstand she worked in she occasionally bought B.A. motorcycle magazines and once she brought Hannibal cigars; the older man accepted them with surprise but never smoked them because they were vanilla flavored.  


She became a semi-part of their lives.  


Because he wasn’t trying to beguile her, Face eventually realized he was relaxed around her. He wasn’t trying to be anyone for her or for the team, and it was nice to just be himself. It was almost as comfortable as he was with Murdock. He still nursed a secret grudge, though.  


Then:  


Like random times before, the chemicals in Murdock’s head went haywire. If he was late taking certain medications, the mania became amped—but this was more. This was like he’d stopped taking his meds altogether and had a full-blown psychotic break. The kind, that if he were still in the hospital setting, would have him in restraints and scheduled for large doses of IV Thorazine and ECT.  


Murdock’s keening wail snapped Face from sleep. He heard grumbles and feet on the floor and knew the rest of the team was up due to the disturbance as well. Neither B.A. nor Hannibal were quite as good as bringing Murdock back down, though, so they allowed Face to deal with the situation.  


He told them to stand ready to help get Kerry out once he got into the room.  


When he entered the bedroom where all the commotion was, however, he was surprised to find her sitting on the bed with his howling friend. Murdock had dug gashes into his forearms again and even though she was lighter than the former Ranger, she was doing her best to keep his hands and fingernails away from his face.  


Murdock’s cries had almost become words, “N-n-no—no—keep—no—“  


Face could see but barely hear that she was talking to him in a low voice.  


Ignoring the fact that she and Murdock were in bed—Kerry with an oversized shirt as her only clothing, Murdock only in boxers, and never mind that he was only in boxers too—Face immediately joined them and began soothing Murdock has he had done so many times before.  


“Murdock—hey, Murdock, buddy—it’s okay, I’m here, it’s okay—“  


He was annoyed that she was telling his friend the same things, and that she still held his wrists. He wrapped Murdock into a bear hug, aware that she didn’t have the physical strength to perform that feat, and lowered himself and his now immobile friend to the bed. As typical, Murdock thrashed against him. The pitch in his voice climbed higher.  
Kerry kept hold of Murdock’s wrists, which prevented him from clawing into himself again, or her, or Face.  


Usually laying down and keeping him stationary eventually calmed Murdock down, but when the struggling continued, Hannibal stepped into the room.  


Seemingly not fazed by the sight of two half-naked men—one with bloody gouges on his arms—and a half-naked woman collapsed on a bed together, Hannibal strode to the bedside and barked,  


“Captain! I need your full attention!”  


The undeniable timbre of a superior officer ordering his subordinate seemed to catch Murdock’s attention and caused a break in his flailing. In just a few seconds after Hannibal’s command, Murdock ceased fighting and his half-worded distress stopped almost completely.  


“Sedation tonight,” Hannibal told them, his voice still in CO mode. Then he addressed Murdock directly again. “Understand, soldier?”  


Unlike the fiend that had just been present, Murdock nodded meekly. With no prodding, he offered his arm, palm up, towards the former Colonel. Cautiously, Kerry allowed his arm free.  


Tightening a tourniquet over Murdock’s upper arm, Hannibal found a vein, slipped the needle in, re-loosened the tourniquet, and injected the drug. Immediately the tension left Murdock and he slumped against Face.  


Kerry took the medical supplies bandaging Hannibal had also brought in and began cleaning the wounds.  


“You should stay with him tonight,” Hannibal said.  


Face didn’t know if it was directed at him or her. Hannibal didn’t clarify, and left the room shortly thereafter, closing the door behind him.  


Face helped her finishing wrapping Murdock’s injured arms. Then, even though Murdock was sedated, because it was habit, he climbed under the blankets beside him. Kerry looked at him curiously, but he dared her without a word to say something—anything. Finally, she lay down too, on Murdock’s other side.


	2. I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

The next morning, Face woke up first. He was pressed against Murdock’s back, which wasn’t unusual, but Murdock pressed against a woman was. Even more awkward, his arm was over Murdock’s chest and was tucked in between the two of them. His hand was warm in the niche between Kerry’s breasts.

Face carefully extracted his hand and more carefully slid out of the bed. He realized he was suddenly fuming, and couldn’t pin-point why he’d woken up so mad—

—yes he could. He was pissed that she was there—that she didn’t bolt and leave him, Face, to take care of Murdock like he had for so many years. _She_ didn’t know the best thing to calm Murdock down was physically holding him! _She_ wouldn’t have been able to do that! _She_ didn’t know, exactly, how to soothe him! _She_ didn’t know what the aftermath of this would be, with set-backs, and lapses in Murdock’s behavior, and recalculating drugs! It was his job, one he did willingly, for his best friend. Who did she think she was?

He left the bedroom before he woke either of them up, then was angry that _she_ got to stay in bed. Stomping to his own room, he grabbed a dirty pair of jeans and a jacket and tugged them on as he went down the stairs and outside into the early morning.

By the time he came back in, his feet were freezing, his shirtless chest was cold and the bottoms of his jeans were soaking wet from dew. His anger had abated somewhat, but not completely.

Hannibal was in the kitchen.

“You’re up early,” he said by way of a greeting, eyeing his former Lieutenant’s bare feet. “Don’t you typically stay with Murdock till he gets up after a night like last night?”

“Why?” Face snapped. “The sedation will keep him out for a couple more hours and _she’s_ with him. There’s no point.”

“The point is,” Hannibal replied with deliberate emphasis, “you typically stay with Murdock till he gets up after a night like last night. If he wakes up and you’re not there, there may be some unpleasant consequences. You know he needs stability after an episode.”

Face pressed his lips together. “Is that an order, sir?”

The older man studied him but didn’t rise to the scathing bait. “No. It’s not an order, Temp. It’s just an observation.”

Hannibal held his gaze steadily until Face licked his lips and gave a little sigh.

“I’ll go back up.”

He turned and left the kitchen, not meeting Hannibal’s eyes again.

xxxxx

Face debated finding some sweatpants before climbing back into the bed, and then decided he’d already been mostly naked with the two of them anyway. He shrugged off his jacket, chucked his pants, and, shivering, crawled quickly back under the blankets beside Murdock.

The sudden cold wasn’t quite enough to arouse his friend back to the world of the undrugged, but Murdock did shudder and murmur something unintelligible as Face slipped into the bed. Murdock shifted and turned over. That was good; it meant that his state was closer to real sleep than chemically induced. Face carefully re-arranged himself with an arm crooked under his head and his other hand resting lightly on Murdock’s upper arm. Murdock flinched under the chill from his hand, but didn’t move again.

All the movement woke Kerry up.

She groaned and opened her eyes. Lifting her head, it seemed to take her a second before she remembered where she was. Her eyes caught Face’s.

She gave him a small smile, which he could barely return.

Carefully hoisting herself up on an elbow, she looked down on the two of them over Murdock’s shoulder. Even more carefully, she brushed the disheveled hair away from his eyes. Face almost told her to knock it off; he barely caught himself in time.

“How long will he sleep?” she asked quietly.

Since Hannibal expected him to be here, Hannibal would expect him to be nice.

He answered just as quietly, although it didn’t really matter. “It varies. Probably a couple more hours.”

“Will he remember? Or does he have a fugue state or something?”

The use of medical terminology caught his attention through the annoyance. He regarded her. “That varies too. Most of the time he remembers, but there are rare occasions he doesn’t. Who knows what this’ll be.”

She nodded, and continued stroking Murdock’s forehead. She didn’t meet his eyes again, and her voice dipped even softer when she asked,

“Did I do something wrong?”

The question caught him off guard, and as good as he was, Face knew it was apparent on his face. “What? No,” he lied.

Kerry wasn’t convinced. “I saw how you looked at me last night. And right now. I’m getting the vibe that I’m on thin ice. Like you’re _allowing_ me to touch him.”

What was he supposed to say? That yes, he would have liked it better if she’d left in a panic, in disgust, frightened and bewildered last night? That yes, if Hannibal hadn’t guilted him back here, he’d still be nursing his temper tantrum? That yes, deep down inside he was jealously guarding this little piece of what he and his best friend had?

“I . . . listen, can we talk about this later?” Let’s put it off till I can figure out how to deal with it, he added in his head.

Kerry regarded him coolly. “I don’t know,” she replied truthfully.

If she could be cool, so could he. He didn’t say anything else.

After a moment, she shifted her gaze to Murdock’s arms, folded up between his chest and Face’s. There were a few spots of blood that had seeped through the bandaging.

Face followed her gaze, then was surprised when she said,

“This scar, right here. It’s from him banging his head on the wall, isn’t it?”

Very gently Kerry parted Murdock’s hair off his forehead and touched the spot.

Face looked up at her. “How . . . how did you know that?”

“My older brother is autistic. He bangs his head into the walls,” she replied. She didn’t shrug, which would have added a smug flair to the statement. “He has a similar scar.”

Face suddenly had an inkling as to why Murdock’s breakdown didn’t freak her out and send her running.

“Murdock’s not autistic.”

She shook her head in agreement, but continued her original train of thought. Her fingers went on stroking Murdock’s forehead. “My brother lives in a home. I don’t get to see him much. But before he was there, we had to deal with his repetitive behaviors.”

Face didn’t know what to say.

“I’m going to have to go to work,” she sighed. “Will you stay with him?”

Surprisingly, Face didn’t feel annoyed at the implication he may not know what to do for man he’d been best friends with for going on ten years. He nodded.

“Yeah. I’ll be here when he wakes up.”

She nodded too. “And tell him I’ll be back tonight?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Thanks.” Kerry stretched over and kissed Murdock’s cheek. She gave Face a smile too, and squeezed the top of his hand as she eased out of the bed.

He felt peculiar, somehow. He closed his eyes to give her privacy as she dressed, and opened them as he heard her open the door and exit the room. Now that she was gone and it was just him and Murdock laying in bed, back to normal, Face was pleased but oddly a little despondent. He blamed the mashed up emotions twisting through his head on lack of sleep.

xxxxx

Face had occasionally taken mild sedatives for the inevitable insomnia that comes to soldiers after being on an active military base. His dose was always low, and he always woke up refreshed and ready to go.

Murdock’s meds were completely different, and he always woke up woozy and discombobulated.

Some eyelid fluttering and involuntary finger twitching—another temporary side effect of the sedative—alerted Face his friend was close to waking up.

“Hey buddy,” Face said quietly as Murdock’s eyes flicked open.

“F-facey,” Murdock replied groggily. He closed his eyes again. Then, with a start and more animation after having been sedated than Face was used to dealing with, Murdock jumped and twisted on the bed.

Involuntarily, Face grabbed at his arms.

“Owww!” Murdock protested, but his pain was dismissed as he scanned the room. “Where is Kerry? Did she—“

“Sorry, Murdock!” Face apologized for the arm grab. “Calm down. Calm down!”

“She left! She left!”

The pitch in his voice wasn’t hampered by the drowsiness. In a similar way to the night before, he began pushing against Face again, in an effort to get out of the bed.

“Murdock! Murdock, buddy, listen to me!” Face wrapped him up, getting control of his friend’s flailing arms and legs but trying to consciously avoid holding his forearms. “Murdock—“

Unlike the previous night, the residual effects of the injected sedative made him much weaker and slower. His chant, “She left! She left!” only lasted a short time before his voice gave out.

Face gave up trying to explain things to him for the moment.

As he curled into his typical fetal position defense, Face eased off of him. In a few minutes, Murdock was picking at his bandaging.

“Thanks for taking care of my arms,” he whispered.

“Kerry did most of the work,” Face told him.

Murdock pressed his face into the crumpled pillow. “She l-left,” he stuttered, and the minute shakings in his shoulders gave away his tears. “I told her, and it didn’t matter! S-she _left_ —“

“No—Murdock, no!” Face immediately corrected, taking his shoulder and squeezing it. “She had to leave because she had to go to work! That’s all. She told me to tell you she’d be back tonight.”

“W-what?”

Patiently, Face repeated it. “Kerry left to go to work. She’ll be back again.”

Murdock turned his face to look at him. “She will?”

“Yes.”

Keeping an eye on him as if not truly believing what he said, Murdock wiped his face with the bandaging on his wrist. Apparently satisfied with Face’s expression, he turned away again and sighed.

“I’m tired.”

“I know. You want some breakfast?”

Murdock shook his head. That wasn’t unusual; he was typically nauseous after injections. “Just let me lay here.”

“Okay.”

“Are you going to stay?”

“If you want.”

He nodded this time.

Face lay back down again and stared at the other man’s shoulder. Although he’d been surprised by Murdock trying to jump out of bed a few minutes ago, he knew Murdock would now be sluggish. He’d probably be off for a majority of the day, so keeping everything low key would be the best.

However, something Murdock had said picked at his brain.

“Murdock?”

“Hmm . . .? “

“You just said something . . . what did you mean, you told her?”

“Hmm?”

“You said you told Kerry something. That it didn’t matter, she left. What does that mean?”

“I . . . “

This was more common. One word or half-worded answers. Face persisted, even though his better judgment told him it wasn’t going to work.

“Murdock?”

“I . . . told her. I’m crazy.”

The blandness of the two word sentence had Face wondering if Murdock was just making a statement, or if that was, actually, what he had told her.

Murdock paused, and Face thought he might have drifted into sleep again. Then he gave himself a tiny shake. “I told Kerry I’m crazy, and I may have breakdowns or bouts of mania that my pharmacy’s worth of medications can’t keep under chemical restraint.

“I told her that, and she was cool.”

The completely articulate and calm explanation startled Face for the second time since his friend had woken up. He chewed on the inside of his lip, trying to formulate a response to the information, but Murdock slipped back into unconsciousness before he could ask or say anything else.


	3. Who, sqatting upon the ground,

Like expected, Murdock was drowsy and half out of it for the day.He sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket and stared blankly ahead.He half muttered answers when spoken directly and shaken, he dully took his meds and ate just bites of the food brought to him.He didn’t care if the TV was on or if he was just staring at a wall.These after-effects were unnerving, and although they weren’t strangers to it Hannibal and B.A. both found excuses to be out of the house.

Face didn’t mind too much.He was used to it.However, he had to admit it was nice when Kerry came back that evening.

He met her at the door when she knocked.She apologized for having to work so late—someone called off and there was no one else to cover the shift, so she eventually called the manager and told him she was leaving whether or not there was another employee available—

Kerry cut herself off as they got into the living room.Immediately she sat down beside Murdock and carefully gripped his hand though the blanket.

“Murdock?Hey.How are you?” she asked quietly.

Although he turned toward her, he didn’t acknowledge her.

She looked a question at Face.

“He asked for a little bit more sedation a couple of hours ago,” he told her.

“Is that normal?”

Face watched her fuss over his friend, smoothing back his hair and finding his hand under the blanket.“It’s unusual, but he’s asked for it before.”

He didn’t add that Murdock asked for it when he groggily realized the time, and that Kerry should have gotten off work and have been back to the house by then.When she hadn’t shown up, he didn’t have an agitated fit, he simply asked for the injection.The sorrow in his voice had made Face’s throat ache.

She nodded absently.

“Murdock?Murdock, honey—do you want something to eat?”

She asked a few more questions of the drugged man beside her.Face didn’t bother telling her it was useless to talk to him.

Eventually, after receiving the continued vacant look, Kerry stopped asking questions and sat with him quietly.

When the silence stretched, Face took a chair.He sat down awkwardly, because his first instinct was to join them on the couch.But she was there, and he didn’t know what she’d think if he sat on the other side of Murdock and soothed him too . . .

Through the sea of haziness, Murdock opened his mouth several times and very slowly said,

“I’m . . .”

“What?”

“. . . tired.”

She looked over to Face, who shrugged and nodded.

“Okay, Murdock.Let’s get to bed.You’ll feel better in the morning.”

With Face’s help, she got him to his feet and started down the hall.He shuffled his way slowly, pausing once to say,

“Gotta . . .”

Face knew.He tipped his head toward the bathroom for her benefit, then shouldered Murdock’s weight and eased him toward it.She watched the two men disappear behind a closed door.

When Face assisted Murdock back out, Kerry was waiting patiently to help get him the rest of the way to the bedroom.Once there, she carefully removed the blanket from around his shoulders.She moved slowly as if she was worried she’d startle him.Since he’d been dressed in a worn t-shirt and sweatpants, there was no need to change his clothing.

She helped settle him into the bed.Under the blanket and between increasing long blinks, he looked shrunken and lost.Neither of the other two made a motion to get into bed with him.

“Are you staying tonight?” Face asked softly.

“Aren’t you?” Kerry countered with a note of nervousness in her voice.

Face decided he was.

So it was as it had been; Murdock sandwiched between Kerry and Face.Out of respect to the drugged man between them, they didn’t speak.

xxxxx 

Kerry told them she’d taken some time off work for an unexpected family emergency.The familiar distrust and jealousy soured Face’s stomach, but he didn’t voice it.She stayed and helped.Both Hannibal and B.A. seemed to appreciate it; Face wondered if there was something wrong with him that he couldn’t.

Then he realized that there was, and it was the same thing he’d been nursing since Murdock started dating her.

As Murdock came out of the chemical misfirings and gradually back to his old self, Face made a conscious effort to quell the resentment he had of her.As his protectiveness eased, and he forced himself to admit that Murdock was allowed to have someone else who cared for him, he was able to start enjoying the time the three of them had together.

Kerry teased him and he flirted casually; old habits die hard.Murdock liked the fact that his best friend and his girl were getting along better, so that made it easier too.Several times Face meant to apologize for how he treated her, but he felt awkward and never actually got around to telling her directly.He hoped his change in attitude was enough, and Kerry never brought up that she confronted him with it and he never directly answered her.

Through all of this, the team still had jobs to do.Since they’d gotten a long term lease on the place, they used it as a base.It was oddly comforting to come back to a clean house, food in the fridge, and someone waiting.

A few months later, after tweaking the medication regiment, Murdock had a slight relapse.It happened outside during the day, this time, and luckily Kerry was there to prevent another gouging episode.After B.A. muscled the thrashing man up to the bedroom—only the black man was strong enough to physically move him if he wasn’t close enough to a bed to be thrown down on it—Kerry’s expression beseeched Face to help.

He joined her on the bed willingly to pacify Murdock.

No sedatives were needed this time.Murdock wore himself out and faded into a fitful sleep while the two held him.She drifted off too, and Face was left listening to the two of them breathe.His hand had slipped between them again, resting on the bed.He could feel the rise and fall of each breath they took individually.

Kerry shifted and scooted closer to Murdock.He groaned but didn’t quite wake up, so Face gently tried to work his hand out of its spot.She stymied him by wrapping her hand around his wrist, cuddling it comfortably against her.

A little startled, Face lifted his head to look over Murdock’s shoulder at her.She was still asleep.Watching her, he felt a tightening in his stomach.Because he didn’t want to disturb the two of them, Face resisted his knee-jerk reaction to yank his hand out of her grasp.

With a sinking suspicion, he knew what the fluttering in his abdomen was.

He was falling for Murdock’s woman.

 


	4. Held his heart in his hands,

Now he was torn.He wanted the easy intimacy he’d shared with them—wanted more, if he was to be brutally, horribly honest.But he most certainly didn’t want to betray his team mate, the guy who had his back, his best friend.

Face backed off again, to maintain some shroud of decorum.He couldn’t control his wandering eyes and fanciful imagination, however, and that was deceitful enough.

He hoped his recent reservations wouldn’t be noticed.He hoped for too much.

When he refused to help Kerry set the table while Murdock cooked and sang, B.A. mentioned it.When Face found excuses not to accompany them to town, Hannibal scrutinized him.The boss’s wordless inspection was worse than asking questions aloud.When he was invited to join them on the couch, under a blanket, to watch a Stooges’ marathon, he tripped himself backing out of the room.

Face’s ears and cheeks burned as he left, and he was sure they knew _something._ His embarrassment had to be enough they could guess his secret.Murdock called after him, and he heard her confused inquiry too.Hearing Kerry call his name made his stomach quiver in that wonderful-awful way again.

He tried to be polite, but it wasn’t enough.He attempted to just avoid her, and subsequently Murdock too—that wasn’t enough either.

Murdock finally cornered him on the couch.

“Faceman—what’s the deal?You’ve been all wonky.”

Face tried to come up with some plausible excuse, but the flimsy, muttered lie was transparent.

He didn’t like the concerned expression on Murdock’s face.The pilot sat down beside him and leaned into him in familiarity, trapping him between the couch’s arm and his shoulder.

“Come on, Face.This is me!Murdock!You can tell me what’s wrong!”

Instead, he hung his head.

Out of the corner of his eye, Face watched Murdock chew a fingernail.The confused expression was slowly morphing to a scared one.In his silence, Murdock continued softly,

“It started after my last . . . episode.Something happened then, didn’t it?”

Face chanced a look at him, wondering if he’d channeled Hannibal’s sixth sense.

Murdock was nodding, taking his attention for agreement.“That was it.I knew it.You’ve . . . “

When he stopped, Face held his breath.

“. . . you’ve . . . had it.My last episode was the final straw,” Murdock went on, with pauses.His voice dropped even lower in embarrassment.“You can’t stand dealing with . . . me.Anymore.”

“No!” Face interjected, surprised by Murdock’s reasoning.

“All my problems,” Murdock continued, ignoring the interruption.“All my meds that only work, like, 85% of the time—I don’t blame you.You have the patience of a—a saint, and I’d try any saint’s patience.”

“Murdock, no!No!”

Face turned fully to him.He hadn’t realized Murdock had tears in his eyes, and was now trying to turn away, just as Face had earlier.Face caught his upper arms to force him to turn back.

“Listen to me.Listen to me!” he demanded.“No.You’re not the problem.Okay?Your relapses or episodes or fits or whatever they are—they’re not your fault, and they’re not anything that would make me stop being there for you.Understand?”

The tears threatened to fall.“Then what, Facey?”

The pitiful pitch made Face close his eyes for a moment.What was he going to do?What could he say?Tell his best friend the truth and fuck up a bunch of relationships?Just blatantly lie to his face?But as good a conman as he was, he never could lie convincingly to his friends.They knew him too well— _Murdock_ knew him too well.And a lie could backfire, _would_ backfire eventually, and fuck up relationships too . . . what option was the lesser of two evils?

Face sighed.“It’s . . . K-Kerry,” he finally whispered, the words catching in his throat.

Murdock pondered this.“What?You two were getting along so well!She likes you—she told me so,” Face made a rough sound in his throat that Murdock took for a negative and insisted, “She does!And you haven’t been so. . . antisocial . . . like you were at first, you know?Until recently, I mean.Then I had my problem and you’ve kind of reverted, even after Kerry helped, and you seemed to be grateful for her help because I know it’s stressful dealing with my issues—she’s a good person, Face, you know that, and now everything’s weird and uncomfortable again—“

Between Murdock’s non-comprehending soliloquy and the rabble of butterflies in his stomach, Face couldn’t stand the torment any longer.

“Murdock—I think I’m in love with her!” he blurted.

In the movies, there would be the sound of crickets right now, Face thought wildly.He was suddenly convinced he’d gone insane.

“Oh,” Murdock finally replied in a softly surprised voice.It was much quieter than Face expected.

Sanity snapped back into place.Face quickly said,

“Murdock, no, that wasn’t right—not in _love_ with her—I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

By habit, he tried to slip an arm over Murdock’s shoulders.The other man stood up abruptly.

“I’m sorry!Oh god, Murdock, I’m sorry!”

Murdock stumble-walked out of the room, leaving Face to lament his choice


	5. And ate of it.

If things were awkward before, that was a mere shadow of what it was now. Face didn’t have to worry about avoiding Murdock; his best friend took care of that for him. Kerry didn’t visit either. He wasn’t sure if it was because of her work schedule or if Murdock warned her off.

It affected the dynamics of the team. Face had never been depressed before, not really, not to the extent that he thought maybe he’d need medications, but his sluggish behavior and sudden inattention to personal grooming was noted and talked about between the two other teammates not directly involved with this mess.

He still struggled to do his job—be their contact person, research their potential clients, and set up payment, although it wasn’t with his usual flair and ease.

Face managed to snag a short-term gig, an easy private investigating job. It was an undercover sting for a guy who thought his wife was fooling around while he was out of town; according to him she had very specific tastes: she trolled for rich but lonely businessmen in upscale hotels. Hannibal decided to work the businessman angle with B.A. as his bodyguard.

Typically Face would have taken point but Hannibal took him off the case due to his scraggly appearance and dull attitude.

Still, he argued about it.

“You need me, Boss! This is my job!”

“Absolutely not,” Hannibal replied firmly.

“Hannibal—you know this is a three to four man operation! I’m contact, B.A.’s wing, and you’re in the background pulling the strings. Just like all the other times before!”

“Forget it, Face. You’re not up to doing this.”

Face shook his head. “Yes I am! You know I’m always ready for this! You know I give 100% and I’m willing work through problems—“

“Are you?” Hannibal snapped.

At the former Colonel’s words, the floor seemed to reach up to grab him.

Face shut his mouth with an audible sound. He sat down heavily, almost missing the chair behind him.

Hannibal stood over him, an imposing figure that made Face feel like covering his face with his hands. The former Colonel sighed and took his shoulders, forcing him back against the chair.

“Temp, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you right now—“

What? thought Face. How can that be?

“—but it’s obvious you and Murdock are having some problems. Christ, even B.A.’s been asking about you both. When he’s verbally concerned about Murdock . . .” Hannibal shook his head slightly. “So. To function, as a team, you have to work this out. None of us can get our jobs done right without all of us being on the same page. Sloppy problems mean sloppy operations, and that means someone’ll get hurt.”

Like Face didn’t know that.

“You’re off this case. Murdock’s off this case. You two figure out whatever is causing this issue and fix it.”

What if trying to fix it fractures this team even more? Face wanted to shout.

But Hannibal didn’t know what was wrong, he hadn’t guessed and Murdock hadn’t told him—why hadn’t Murdock told him? Murdock always saw the old man for problems, no, wait, Murdock came to him when he had issues—and although the boss was dead serious he also had an earnest expression of concern on his face too.

“Yes sir,” Face mumbled in reply, hoping his tone wasn’t too insubordinate.

Apparently it wasn’t, because Hannibal squeezed his shoulder too hard, and left him.

xxxxx

Soon after, dressed in tailored suits and groomed impeccably, Hannibal and B.A. were ready to leave. A Lexus was waiting for them at the rental car place, courtesy of Face’s attention to detail. He’d even handed Hannibal a wedding band; the older man slipped it on automatically, understanding it was more likely to attract a woman looking for a fling to have one on than not.

“Stop fiddling with it!” Face ordered as Hannibal fingered the ring. “You’re married. You’ve worn it for years, so it’s not anything you notice!”

Hannibal nodded and left the ring alone.

Once B.A. adjusted the microphone and recorders, Face looked them over critically, loosened Hannibal’s tie to give the impression of a long day that he just wanted to forget, and gave them both a grudging nod.

“You’re set. The mike isn’t visible, as long as you don’t take off your jacket. You either, Bosco, obviously you don’t want your side arm showing.”

“Obviously.”

“The recon was good, she’ll be there tonight. Hopefully a more . . . mature man will catch her eye . . .”

“Watch it, kid,” Hannibal growled with a smile.

Face grinned back, but his smile quickly faded.

“Be careful. Oh—here’s your name badge for the ophthalmology convention in town. Do you have the right driver’s license? The one that matches the badge? Good. There are two adjoining rooms registered for you—“

“We got it, fool—stop mother-henning!” B.A. complained.

“It’s under control,” Hannibal told Face. “We’ll be back tomorrow.”

Face nodded slowly.

“Remember what we talked about earlier,” Hannibal said pointedly. “Fix it.”

Face nodded again.

B.A. narrowed his eyes at the conman, but didn’t say anything more. He bumped Face’s offered fist, and held the door for Hannibal.

The older man gave a nod, and left. B.A. followed and shut the door without saying goodbye.


	6. I said, "Is it good, friend?"

Face didn’t even know if Murdock was around. He supposed the pilot was, although he hadn’t seen him for several hours. Maybe he walked into town?

The silence of the house was weird. Usually Murdock was singing or talking to himself or B.A. was tinkering around. Face flopped down on the recliner in the living room with the remote in his hand to try and fend off the odd oppression of stillness.

Flipping through the stations, he settled on a random music video channel for the combination of music and scantily-clad women.

He didn’t have the volume up too much—he thought—but he must have dozed off slightly, because the next thing he knew, someone was squeezing his shoulder. Blearily he opened his eyes, then jumped awake and almost out of the chair in the process.

Kerry hurriedly let go of his shoulder.

“Oh! Hey!” he said brightly, too brightly, it was creepy-bright, he thought. He pressed the button to turn the TV off. “I didn’t—didn’t hear you come in.”

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” she apologized sincerely.

“What? No,” he contradicted. “I was just resting my eyes—“

“Can we talk?” she interrupted.

“Talk?”

Christ, now he was creepy-retarded.

“Yeah, talk. Come over to the couch with me?”

The inflection was a question, but Kerry held her hand out to him with the definite vibe of expecting him to comply. With a clammy hand, he took hers and did.

Face took a position similar to the one Murdock pinned him down in: against the arm, trying not to take up too much space. Kerry sat closely—not up against him, like Murdock would have, which he thanked heaven for—but kept hold of his hand. She either didn’t mind or ignored the dampness of it.

“Face . . .” she started, then paused.

She licked her lips, a motion that he found embarrassingly mesmerizing. She looked him straight in the eye, which caught him off guard and suddenly mortified he was staring lewdly at her mouth.

She began again. “Face . . . Murdock said . . . he told me . . . that . . .”

At least he wasn’t the only disconcerted one.

“. . . that you told him . . . that you—liked me. Like liked me,” she continued. During her hesitant sentence her eyes had dropped a little. Now they pierced his again. “Is that true?”

His mouth was dry. How could his hands be so sweaty and his mouth so dry? He was afraid his tongue would stick to the roof of his mouth and he wouldn’t be able to answer her—

“W-what?” he said for the second time that evening.

“Murdock told me that you said you liked me,” Kerry repeated evenly. Now that she’d said it once, it didn’t seem difficult to say it again. “And . . . not just a friendly kind of like, you know?”

Oh, he knew.

“So . . . is that true?”

Game time, Face, he told himself. Here’s where you bullshit as you’ve never bullshitted before to get yourself out of this mess and not jack everything up—

“Because it’s okay if you do,” she continued quietly, in his delay to answer.

“. . . what?”

The creepy slipped away to just leave full retard.

Kerry gave a half-shrug and a shy smile. “It’s okay. It’s not a problem. Murdock told me about it, and we talked—“

Her eyes flicked from his to the doorway. Face followed her gaze to find Murdock standing there. Christ, how long had he been there? How much of this did he hear—well, he obviously already knew about it, but to stand there and listen to him stumble over words and act like a dimwit—

Murdock came into the room and over to the couch.

“It’s okay, Facey,” he said too, and dropped down on his heels in front of them.

Face didn’t know if he’d ever be able to close his jaw again. Somehow he swallowed and forced out,

“It’s okay? It’s okay? I tell you I think I’m in . . . l-l-like with your girlfriend and it’s okay?”

Murdock shrugged and Kerry squeezed his hand. Face dragged his gaze from his friend to her and back again.

“Sure,” Murdock answered.

In the arc his eyes made from him to her, Face saw that the sky outside was pitch black and realized he must be asleep and dreaming. Lucid dreaming! That was the only explanation for the way this was playing out—

“There’s no way to compete with the Faceman,” Murdock had continued sensibly, with a grin on his face to show he was teasing. “So I figured, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!”

Another squeeze on his hand brought Face’s attention back to the two of them. They were both smiling at him. Murdock’s grin was wide and hers was smaller but no less sincere.

“We talked it over, muchacho—“

“It was a lot of talking.”

Murdock nodded at Kerry in agreement. “A lot of talking. First, I want to apologize for being so stand-offish. It was rude—“

“It was understandable!” Face interrupted, trying to bring some sense of normalcy back to this.

Murdock shrugged again. “I should have talked to you about it before now. We could have hashed things out way earlier than this. I’ve missed you, Face.”

He took Face’s other hand.

“I’ve missed you too, buddy,” was the only reply he could formulate.

Now both his hands were squeezed, and suddenly, the weight was off his shoulders and the world was suddenly a brighter place again.

“So, again, Kerry and I talked and talked and decided this could work.”

Face wrinkled his forehead in confusion. Kerry was nodding beside him.

“What . . . what could work?”

The expression on his friend’s face could only be described as keenly elated, but he rubbed his free hand over his mouth as a nervous gesture. The conflicting body language set Face on edge.

“Well, Face, this is where it gets a little awkward . . . “

He didn’t want to ask, but it seemed to be his word for the evening. “What?”

Murdock pulled his hand away from his face. His smile was lop-sided. “Well . . . we were hoping you’d . . . join us upstairs? In the bedroom?”

His jaw came unhinged again, and his mind went blank.

There was an unsettled pause that lasted for a beat longer than was comfortable. Murdock cleared his throat and said,

“I mentioned awkward, huh? We thought maybe—“

“Face, Templeton, this is obviously a huge shock,” Kerry interrupted.

His blue eyes found hers again. She brought her free hand very slowly up to touch his cheek; he felt the slight tremble of her fingertips. Unconsciously he pressed into her palm, closing his eyes at the contact for a moment before realizing that was probably unwise, if he wanted to stay rational about all this. Then he was slightly embarrassed.

She had continued. “—huge shock, and a lot to take in all at once. There’s no pressure! We just thought that it wouldn’t be something you’d be against. But we wanted all our cards out on the table, so you’d have all the information—“

Through it, Murdock nodded in his peripheral vision as if this was the most reasonable thing in the world.

“—and then you could make your decision. No pressure. And whatever you choose, no harm, no foul, okay?”

“Whatever you choose, Face,” Murdock repeated. “You can think it over too. We just figured that since Bossman and Bosco are out of the house—“

Face’s eyes hadn’t left hers. Hers dropped to glance at his still open mouth, and she once again licked her own lips. The motion captured his gaze as it had earlier, and suddenly she was inching closer, neither of them looking each other in the eye, just watching their mouths, and he knew what that meant and he wasn’t sure if he was ready—

And then he was kissing Murdock’s girlfriend with Murdock looking on.

When Kerry opened her mouth against his, Murdock squeezed his hand.

In just another second, it was over. Breathless after the exchange, Face managed a shaky little laugh.

“No pressure, huh?”

Murdock guffawed, and she smiled, then kissed him again. It was less hesitant this time, and Face’s decision was made.


	7. It is bitter--bitter, he answered;

The three of them made it upstairs in spurts. Face was reluctant to stop kissing her, Murdock was reluctant to leave them behind, and she was reluctant to lavish all the attention on Face. So between Murdock pulling the two of them along, Kerry forcing him to slow down so she could kiss him too, and Face being willing to just stand in one place and accept whatever what happening at that particular moment, it took a bit of time to finally make it to a bedroom.

It was Murdock’s room, of course.

Once there, a moment of apprehension struck Face.

He half wished Murdock had talked to him about this prior to now. They could have laid some ground work. And set up any rules: what was okay, what wasn’t going to be okay . . .

He had done this before, so it wasn’t completely novel—well, okay, it wasn’t with his best friend involved and it was two women and him, but the idea behind it was kind of the same, he figured. He just didn’t know what Murdock’s or Kerry’s experience was. So there was no reason to be nervous, they’re probably nervous too, just make sure everyone has a good time—

Without even shutting the door, Kerry shrugged out of her shirt.

Murdock pulled her closer and kissed her, unlatching her bra closure. Face carefully stepped up behind her and slipped the straps off her shoulders. She bent her arms to help facilitate the removal even as her mouth was on Murdock’s; once the undergarment was discarded from between them Face even more carefully moved her hair, took her waist and nipped the side of her neck and shoulder.

The feel of his teeth made Kerry jump a little. She moved one hand from the back of Murdock’s head to reach around and grab Face’s ass, squeezing it through the denim of his jeans and forcing him to press even closer.

His hard-on strained against the front of his pants.

She didn’t acknowledge that right away. He continued to pinch the sensitive skin of her neck gently with his teeth as she and Murdock broke their kiss. With one hand still gripping him, he noted that she slipped the other from Murdock’s chest to the front of his pants. Murdock gave a slight gasp as she worked the zipper on his fly.

“Oh . . . good,” Kerry murmured.

Murdock muttered an affirmative that didn’t mean much to Face. Then, even though it was awkward, she twisted her arm until she was able to slide it in between her back and his front. Her pressing on his erection through fabric made him gasp like Murdock had.

She turned her head and was able to see him from the corner of one eye.

“That’s good too,” she told him.

Without waiting for Murdock’s next move, Face spun Kerry around and caught her mouth. Her fingers unfastened his belt and popped the buttons on his fly, and even though his tongue was in her mouth he sucked in a breath when she found her way under the elastic of his briefs and took his cock in her hand.

Her thumb made a circle over the tip, helped by the bit of leaking pre-cum. Kerry smiled through their kiss at the way he jerked against her.

Over her shoulder, Murdock unbuttoned his shirt and let it drop to the floor. He shed his pants too, but didn’t remove his boxers. Instead, he came up behind her, as Face had done earlier, and reached between them to cup her breasts.

As he rolled her nipples, she released Face’s mouth and removed her hand from his cock—which made him groan in dismay—to arch her back against Murdock. Face watched their interplay: Murdock’s hands were large enough to contain her tits, he buried his face in her neck and hair, and she ground her ass against his pelvis, her hands once again curling behind herself to hold him by the waist tightly to her.

Kerry moaned, and Murdock whispered something into her ear that Face didn’t hear. It made her push against him harder, though, and Murdock’s eyes glanced upwards to catch Face’s, a slow lascivious grin spreading over his face.

Face blew out his breath at the erotic display in front of him. He itched to undress her further, but was a still little uncertain. He could strip himself, however. As he took the hem of his shirt and began to pull it up and off, Kerry realized what he was doing and both leaned and reached forward to help.

The position thrust her ass harder into Murdock, who took her hips in a facsimile of doggy-style sex.

Face obligingly stepped closer as Kerry grabbed his shirt too, and she assisted him in removing it. Still angled towards him, she urged him forward even more and began kissing his chest. Her mouth found and closed on a nipple; she held the tightened bit of flesh between her teeth and flicked it with her tongue. Face groaned and threaded his fingers through the hair above her ear.

With only a small amount of encouragement on his part, she bent further down—earning a gasp from Murdock as she wriggled her hips while she did—continuing kissing and leaving wide wet trails with her tongue through the hair on his abdomen. She caught the elastic from his underwear in her teeth, and twisted her head up to look at him with amusement in her eyes as he gave a slight thrust forward.

His hand tightened in her hair as she pulled the elastic away from his waist with her hands and copied the circling motion she’d made earlier on the head of his cock, this time with her tongue.

“Oh—“ he started, but abruptly she snapped the waistband back and straightened up.

Murdock found her breasts again as she stood up against him.

While he caressed her, Kerry fumbled with her own belt and pants. Face closed the remaining distance between them and kissed her even while she awkwardly removed the rest of her clothing.

Once it was on the floor he dipped his head and continued his way down her neck, to the front of her shoulder, and finally, to her breast. Although Murdock still held it, Face nuzzled his way between his friend’s fingers to locate her nipple, then gave her the same treatment she’d given his.

Her reaction was similar: a gasp and a groan. Face’s spit coated Murdock’s fingers, but he didn’t seem to mind; he drew the wet fingers down her front, re-dampening some of the spots she’d already licked on Face’s stomach, and reached between her legs.

As his fingertips slipped into the heat of her pussy, her knees buckled. Both men caught her.

Kerry took a second, relishing the feel of two men pressing on either side of her, then wiggled her way out and climbed onto the bed. Face and Murdock took the opportunity to finish stripping, and she took the opportunity to catch her breath.

Neither man was shy about being naked in the other’s presence; they shared barracks for too long for that. However, Kerry watched with her hand over her mouth in amusement at the differences: Murdock dropped his clothing in a messy heap; Face took a few moments to fold his and set it in a neat pile.

Face muttered a question about a condom. Both she and Murdock directed him to the drawer of the bedside table. He retrieved two but didn’t open one for himself yet.

Murdock ignored him as he busied himself with protection; instead he dropped on the bed with Kerry, making the mattress bounce and her giggle. The silly laugh was replaced with a deep moan as he took her hands and pushed her onto her back, holding her in place by covering her body with his, and kissing her mouth.

Once again, Face stood by and took in the scene for a moment. Kerry was almost completely lost beneath Murdock, although she shifted her legs to hook around his thighs—not rotated far enough for them to actually be fucking yet, but close. One of her hands snaked out of Murdock’s grip to take hold of his ass, squeezing it. Murdock moaned with her.

Noticing that Face hadn’t come onto the bed, Kerry pulled her attention away from the man who was kissing and leaving marks on her neck and, once she managed to worm her other hand out of Murdock’s grasp, she held it out to him.

Licking his lips, Face tentatively took her fingertips. Everything up to this point was hot and good and pushing the boundaries, but to climb into that bed was upping the ante. They were a couple, he was an outsider—okay, so Kerry had already tongued his dick and neither of them seemed too put off by the fact another person had joined in their bedroom games, but—

She noticed his pause and read his mind. “It’s okay, Face.”

Murdock stopped his administrations and tipped his head at his friend. Face saw the flush on his cheeks and his dilated pupils. He thought Murdock would add some more reassurances at his hesitation. He was surprised, then, when Murdock simply grabbed his wrist and yanked him onto the mattress beside them.

Murdock was a little more aggressive than Face would have expected.

As he settled in beside the couple, Murdock modified his position only slightly. He remained positioned between Kerry’s legs, but twisted off her chest as he went back to her ear and neck and collarbone. His attention to that area forced her head close to Face’s, and as she smiled, he moved in to kiss her again.

It was as assertive as before, with their tongues entwining. His free hand, the one not trapped by holding him up on an elbow, found her tit. He pinched her nipple between his thumb and the knuckle on his first finger, and didn’t release her mouth as she gasped. When Kerry reached down to take his hard-on in her hand again, he caught her lip between his teeth. Her whimper of surprise joined his gasp as she tightened her hold on his cock.

The arrangement of the three of them pressed Face not only against her side but Murdock’s as well. Just as being nude together was a non-issue, both he and Murdock weren’t inhibited when it came to bodily contact. So although it may have been an unusual location—naked thighs and hips versus backs to chests—it didn’t seem atypical.

There was only so much area to go around as their mouths moved over the woman under and beside them, so even when their heads brushed each other’s, it wasn’t enough to dissuade either man.

With their moans in his ear, Murdock gave up on her neck and dislodged Face away from his girlfriend’s mouth to slip his own tongue against hers. Face, held in place by her slowly stroking his cock, didn’t move away. He rested his forehead against the side of Murdock’s head, still uttering breathy moans against the two of them.

Eventually, to catch her breath, Kerry pulled slightly away from Murdock. Her hand stopped its pull on Face’s groin, and the three didn’t move for a moment.

Laying so close to one another, breathing onto and into each other’s mouths, Kerry glanced between the two of them and bit her lip.

Murdock recognized the expression on her face. “What?” he asked, his voice low and husky.

“I was thinking . . . maybe . . .”

“What?” he urged again, in the same tone. “You can tell me.”

Face never knew Murdock’s voice could be so honeyed.

“It’s just . . . I was wondering if I could . . . watch you two kiss?”

The hopeful lilt in her voice belied the off-handed shrug she tried to pair it with.

“Uhmm . . .” Murdock replied, a bit of the velvet rubbing off his voice. He glanced at Face for his reaction.

Face had an idea what Murdock wanted him to say, but as unforeseen as her request was, it wasn’t anything that shocked him. He’d done more for less, and if this was about everyone having a good time, enjoying each other and getting off, he was absolutely fine with it.

“Sure,” he said with a nod.

He caught the very slight catch in his friend’s breath, but wasn’t sure Kerry heard it.

“Yeah . . . okay,” the pilot answered.

“It’s okay, Murdock,” Face told him, realizing somehow the tables were turned and he was the one reassuring instead of being reassured that this was acceptable. “I’m not that hideous—I hope! You like blue eyes, don’t you?”

He batted his lashes at Murdock, hoping to ease his sudden apprehension. The resulting giggle came from Kerry, however. But as Murdock looked down on her again and realized her eyes were blue too, only a darker, hazier shade than Face’s, he chuckled as well. Leave it to Face to catalog and store that sort of information.

At Murdock’s low laugh, Face smiled. He didn’t hesitate to move his hand from her chest to around Murdock’s neck to guide him closer.

Murdock held his breath but allowed Face to maneuver his head into a more comfortable position. He closed his eyes and wet his lips, an action that Face found as riveting as he had when she licked her lips. As he closed the distance, his smile faded to seriousness. Within another second, he kissed his best friend.

The kiss was timid at first, just a press of his lips on Murdock’s upper lip, and then the tip of Face’s tongue flicked quickly to probe between his lips. In response, Murdock relaxed his jaw slightly and let his own tongue have an exploratory feel of Face’s mouth.

While Face considerately allowed him to get used to the sensation of an unshaven chin against his own, Murdock decided it wasn’t bad—just mentally different—compared to kissing a woman. The tongue was as silky and sinuous. The lips were as soft. If he kept his eyes closed, he could easily imagine there was hardly any difference at all.

Then he realized he didn’t want to keep his eyes closed. He wanted to see Face’s blue eyes watching him. When he did open his eyes a second later, Murdock was surprised to find that Face wasn’t looking at him. The conman was simply enjoying the kiss for the sensation itself.

Face deepened the kiss, and Murdock didn’t protest.

In a few moments, once their oxygen was depleted, the two men stopped, panting, their mouths still almost touching. Face still didn’t open his eyes.

“Oh—that was hot,” Kerry whispered below them, with a quickening in her voice.

As if that brought him back to the here and now, Face opened his eyes to Murdock’s. Suddenly heat rushed into the pilot’s face: not the aroused flush that had been so constant since convincing his friend downstairs that this was a fine way to spend an evening, but a self-conscious blush. He knew where that came from but did his best to disguise it, although he pulled away from the two of them.

Kerry didn’t seem to notice the abrupt shift in Murdock’s behavior. Neither did Face, it appeared, as he let Murdock go and leaned down again to find her mouth again. Although Face released him, she still had a hand squeezing him, preventing him from getting off her completely.

“Now what?” she muttered, between quick kisses.

Face replied something unintelligible as her fingers stroked their way down his body again.

Kerry’s other hand finally released Murdock’s ass and she caught his neck as Face had done. This time she replaced Face at her mouth for him, and she kissed him just as quickly.

“What about you?” Kerry breathed into his mouth. She didn’t keep her eyes closed, which seemed to disconcert him as much as when Face opened his eyes. “What do you want, Murdock? How do you want it?”

She sounded as aroused as she had been earlier—maybe more, and that swayed him back from knowing there was going to be disappointment and analyzing that odd bubble in his stomach. There were so many things he would have liked to do, but he could only manage one right now—

“I want to go down on you,” he answered, to which she paused before nodding.

Murdock’s response was a surprise—what man turned down a fuck for muff diving?—and her pause like she was let down gave Face a moment to wonder.

Neither of them saw the squint of bewilderment on his face. Murdock crawled off her and took her hips, beginning to swing her perpendicular on the bed. The motion made Face scoot away too, towards the edge of the mattress, while Murdock continued,

“You know you like it.”

“Oh, I know,” Kerry replied. The slight disappointment may have just been Face’s imagination, because her voice had dropped low in anticipation. Murdock’s smile was genuine at her reply too.

As Murdock continued to shift her across the bed, Kerry tipped her head back to look at Face. “And you?” she asked. “What—“

She cut herself off with a gasp as Murdock slid down her body with his tongue, reaching the junction between her legs. Even as he settled between her thighs and lifted her slightly with hands under her hips, she tried to finish her question.

“—wh-what about—oh, oh god—god! Murdock! Oh—F-Face, what about—“

With the erotic display in front of him, it was difficult for him to concentrate on her stuttered question. He couldn’t begin to dream how tough it was for her.

Kerry writhed and moaned under Murdock’s tongue. For the moment, she couldn’t speak. Face opened his mouth to breathe and watched a light sheen of sweat break out over her body. He suddenly realized he ached; he didn’t know or care how to answer her fragmentary query. Release was paramount at the moment, and if he had to take care of that himself, that was fine right now.

He spit into his left hand and grasped his cock, giving it a quick pull before gripping it more tightly for stronger friction.

The moan he couldn’t contain snapped her back to him.

“M-Murdock, wait—wait,” she said, entangling his hair with her fingers and forcibly slowing him down from the attention he was bestowing on her pussy. He complied, but didn’t move away. Kerry reached out for Face. Her fingers curled around his thigh. “Is a blowjob okay? Can I do that for you?”

He loosened his hold a bit, willing himself to relax. “Yeah. Oh yeah.”

He left the bed completely to retrieve a condom. While he stood and rolled it over himself, she pulled herself backwards to the edge of the mattress so her head hung over the side. She looked up at him upside down, grinning as he stepped closer, his cock nearer to her mouth.

Murdock was slower to move with her. Face tore his gaze away from her almost taking him between her lips and met Murdock’s eyes.

“Is this okay?” he was compelled to ask, needing to make sure before it went any further. The note of pleading evident in his voice was borderline pathetic, and he didn’t know what he’d do if Murdock told him no.

Murdock didn’t deny him. “Yeah, it’s cool, Faceman,” he replied hoarsely. “Like Kerry said earlier—that is really hot.”

Face flashed him a quick smile, hoping his friend knew the exhibition he’d given was one of the reasons Face was so turned on right now too. Then he pushed forward and Kerry’s mouth engulfed him, and he was lost.

Even through the rubber he felt like he was on fire. This position, with her hanging over the bed, opened her throat and the entire length of his cock was swallowed up. He tried hard not to choke her and didn’t force himself balls deep with each thrust, but it was increasing difficult to maintain that control. He didn’t know if words were coming out of his mouth or just guttural noises of pleasure.

When Kerry reached around behind him to grab his ass again to pull him deeper in, he braced himself against the mattress with stiff arms.

At some point her mouth did loosen around his cock; through a haze he realized that Murdock had gone back to tonguing her clit and pussy. The two rhythms—Murdock’s down below and hers at Face’s cock—weren’t the same, so occasionally Kerry groaned and arched her back in odds of the pace she tried to maintain while she sucked him.

It didn’t matter. Even with the uneven tempo Face couldn’t hold back much longer. Once again, he tried to control himself. Instinct was difficult to override, however, and he thrust wildly into her mouth as he climaxed, crying out harshly.

Kerry didn’t move until she felt the last contractions of his ejaculation subside. Shuddering, he stepped slightly away and let her twist until her head was on the bed again.

Carefully—he was always sensitive after orgasm, especially an intense one—he climbed back beside her. She shifted until she was proper on the bed again, her head on the pillow. Murdock had readjusted too, and was half sitting up, propped on the headboard. His arm was under her shoulders and the top sheet had been pulled up to his waist.

The pounding in his ears slowly abated, and as Face drowsily peeled the soiled condom off to wipe himself off with a tissue he heard Murdock ask,

“How many times did you come?”

“Twice.”

“Hmm . . . I could have done better.”

A tendril of guilt threaded through Face. He’d been so centered on himself, he hadn’t even realized she’d come—

“What about you? What can I do for you?” Kerry asked determinedly.

Murdock tried to wave the question off. “It’s not necessary, you know that—“

“No,” she insisted, sitting up beside him. “Not good enough. I’m going to do something—“

As Murdock shook his head, Face had the sneaking suspicion that this was a common discussion between the two of them.

Kerry didn’t take his head shake for an answer. “Lay back,” she insisted. “Even if you don’t get off, I’ll make you feel good.”

With only a little more protest, Murdock complied. Face unobtrusively tried to hand her the other condom, but she refused it such a look of distain on her face that it surprised him.

Kerry slid down Murdock’s side without explanation to Face and smoothly started another blow job. It was less aggressively pornographic than what she’d just finished with Face. Murdock tipped his head back on the headboard and gasped very quietly with the strokes of her mouth. His hand pinned her hair out of the way at the nape of her neck.

Once again Face watched the scene before him. It was gentle, not overwhelmingly raunchy as it had been before, and he felt like a third wheel. To counteract the out of place feeling, he slid his hand over Kerry’s ass, resting it on the swell of her hip.

She batted him away.

Stung, he pulled back and wondered if this was the point that he should just leave. As he was trying to get up the nerve to slink out of the bed, however, Murdock bucked slightly. The mattress shifted as he did, and it moved him towards the middle of the bed, towards her.

Face didn’t miss the white-knuckled grip Murdock had on her hair, and tried not to be a distraction. When his thigh met hers, though, Kerry turned her head to him.

Although the intimate blow wasn’t as stirring as some of the other images from tonight, the string of semen and spit falling from her mouth to Murdock’s stomach made him hot again. He reached out to wipe it away, and he was swatted away a second time. Before he could be too offended, however, Murdock asked him for a tissue.

Wordlessly he stretched backwards to the bedside table to pick one out of the box. He handed it to Murdock, careful now not to touch Kerry.

“Thanks.”

Face nodded. He flipped to his back to allow them some privacy in mopping up. His mind swirled now with questions as to what to do next. Something happened. He didn’t know what it was, but in the recent course of things he’d done something to upset Kerry. Maybe Murdock too; with the exception of the tissue request, his friend hadn’t made eye contact with him for a bit.

Inwardly he groaned. That was the problem with this sort of thing. Unexpected hurts, discomforted feelings afterward, no matter what people said beforehand about it not being a problem. He knew that! He knew that! And yet here he was, lying awkwardly in bed with two people that he’d been comfortable lying in bed platonically with before. He was stupid and knew Hannibal was right: he took too much direction from his dick. Even though he knew, he knew¸ this sort of situation always seemed to end up this way. Once his brain was overridden by lust he had no control.

As hard as he’d tried, he’d managed to fuck this entire state of affairs to an even shittier resolution.

This wasn’t going to go over well with the boss.

Face allowed a second groan to escape his lips, and ran his hands down his face, hard. He sat up abruptly, startling the two beside him.

“Hey Face, lay back down,” Murdock said sleepily. He’d re-adjusted to lay back down flat on the bed. Kerry had settled against his friend, and didn’t look over at him.

“No—no, I should go.”

He wasn’t forceful enough, because Murdock insisted, “No, you should stay. Seriously.”

Face ignored him and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. If he hadn’t been so sated from the sex and so mixed-up from the thoughts afterward, he’d have made it out completely before Murdock grabbed his arm.

“Come on, Face, please,” he persisted.

When Face didn’t turn back, the mattress shifted and dipped as Murdock climbed over his girlfriend to get between the two of them. He didn’t let Face’s arm go, which, Face thought, was smart on his part because without a tether, Face would have bolted.

Murdock didn’t force him to turn back. “I don’t want you to think you have to go.”

That’s exactly what he thought.

“Please?”

Kerry hadn’t said anything, and if Murdock couldn’t feel the loathing rolling off her towards Face, Face thought maybe his friend was having sensory deficits. Murdock squeezed his arm encouragingly.

With a sigh, Face looked at Murdock. The pilot wore a concerned but hopeful expression. He mouthed the word “please!” again, and once more, Face made a decision not based on his better judgment.

Hell, what was one more time? he figured. How deep could he dig his own grave?

Murdock’s face lit up as Face nodded resignedly and pulled himself back onto the bed. Murdock didn’t move back over but stayed in the middle. Face was glad for that; it lent the air of normalcy to the situation. Face realized it was still fucked up normalcy, but he’d take that right now.

Murdock curled back around his girlfriend. Face, although he was more comfortable with the sleeping order now, still couldn’t bring himself to take his typical position against Murdock. Instead, he turned over to lay back to back with his friend. There were no complaints from the pilot about that, so Face figured some of Kerry’s abhorrence had seeped through to Murdock.

Even though he generally fell asleep quickly after a sex-romp, tonight Face lay awake a long time.


	8. "But I like it

The next morning he was vaguely aware of noises in the house. Through a fog Face almost knew that someone paused in the hallway outside Murdock’s room, but by the time he wrenched his eyelids open, no one was there.

With a start, he realized the bedroom door was still open.

He must have been really out of it, because the door situation drew his attention more forcefully than Kerry slipping out of bed, collecting her clothing, and pulling it on. When he was finally able to pull his eyes from the black hole of the door, she gave him a small, stiff smile.

“Bye,” she whispered tightly.

Kerry left, quietly closing the door behind her. He heard her move through the house, and realized he didn’t know if she’d said good-bye to Murdock. He was still sleeping peacefully, so Face didn’t think she had.

Face rubbed his eyes and needed to pee, so he decided to crawl out of bed too. Probably he had just dreamed someone standing at the door. A guilty conscious will do that.

He eased off the mattress too, not waking Murdock. Grabbing his clothing as well, he put it on as quietly as he could before tiptoeing out the door.

Standing in front of the toilet, he debated going back to his own room or just going downstairs. He didn’t know what time it was, though, and decided he was hungry. He zipped up, flushed the toilet, and made his way to the kitchen.

Hannibal was there, and B.A. too. The black man took a look over Face, then made an excuse that he needed a shower, and hurried out of the room. A sinking sensation filled Face’s stomach.

He decided to play it glib.

“How’d the job go?” he asked casually, grabbing the milk B.A. had left on the table.

“Easy.”

“See, you never should have doubted yourself, boss. Women like the silver fox.”  
Face hoped, as he poured the drink, that his hand wasn’t trembling so much that Hannibal noticed it.

“Murdock have a bad night?”

A little milk missed the glass.

“What?”

“Did Murdock have a bad night?” Hannibal asked again.

Face tried to draw out wiping up the spill as long as he could, but when he met his former Colonel’s eyes, he knew that Hannibal knew.

He hadn’t dreamed someone at the bedroom door. Hannibal had been there, and even if it had only been a few moments, Face knew that the boss would have seen the evidence of last night: strewn clothing, used condom and tissues, and the three of them in bed. Plus him wearing the same clothing now that he’d been in yesterday—that was just careless and a glaring affirmative of what went on while the other two teammates were gone for the night. It wouldn’t take much for anyone to put those components together and come to a conclusion, and Hannibal wasn’t just anyone.

The sinking feeling morphed to a nauseous one.

Under the continued scrutiny Face was obliged to try and answer. “Murdock . . . he, well, he . . .”

Hannibal made a wordless half-snarl at his faltering. It was a disapproving sound, a disbelieving sound, but if he wasn’t going to ask any other questions, Face sure as hell wasn’t going to give any other information.

Hannibal stared him into feeling abysmal a moment longer, then stood up from his chair and left the room.

Face looked into the glass of milk. His stomach churned, and he dumped it into the sink, too sick to think about drinking it.


	9. Because it is bitter, And because it is my heart."

Luckily, follow-up from the gig kept Face busy the rest of the day. He had to get in touch with the contractor and arrange a meeting, organize the evidence that Hannibal and B.A. collected, and pump himself up to get ready for both presenting the confirmation the man was going to get as well as keeping a professional attitude around his boss—who’d be giving the guy the information alongside him.

Usually B.A. offered to chauffer, but the frostiness coming off Hannibal in waves made him back off and simply hand the keys over to the older man.

“Sorry, man,” he apologized weakly to Face, who looked stricken and pale beneath his cultivated tan.

The ride to the meeting was dead silent. The meeting went as these meeting go: accusations, shouting, and skepticism that finally dissolved into quiet rage and even more eventually, into quiet resignation and weepiness. Face’s eyes pricked hotly with unexpected tears when the man broke down.

Out of the blue he was tired of wrecking lives. He wiped the unfallen tears from his eyes before anyone could see them.

After collecting the remainder of their fee—they never offered advice on lawyers or counseling any other professional service, no matter how desperately a client begged—the two men left. The trip back to the house was slightly less icy. Hannibal even made to say something to his former Lieutenant, but the deadened expression present on Face made him bite off his words.

Face barely noticed, staring out the van’s windows at nothing.

Home, Hannibal took the envelope of money from him, and told him to get lost. It was gruff, but not unkind. Although Face’s history didn’t predispose him to solving his problems sensibly—lying and disappearing was more his style—the older man decided to let him have a little more time to try and work this thing out as an actual adult.

For the immediate future the team could handle not being a well-oiled machine. Truthfully, it hadn’t been for a while now.

For a short time, Hannibal amended to himself. If this dragged on too long, he would force a resolution.

Face, looking disoriented that an envelope of cash was no longer in his possession, stumbled away. He needed to find Murdock. He needed to talk to him, and apologize, and then leave him alone the rest of his life.

The pilot wasn’t upstairs, which didn’t really surprise Face. He only gave a cursory glance through the house before heading outdoors.

Whenever he was able to scam a house that had a backyard, Murdock loved it. Especially if there were no trees to block the view of the sky. This place had trees around the periphery, but there was still an open area in the grass that looked straight up into the heavens. Face found Murdock on his back, staring up into the infinity of blue.

His approach caused a shadow to fall over the horizontal man. Murdock tipped the visor of his hat and squinted up at him.

“Hey, Faceman.”

“Hey, buddy. Mind if I have a seat?”

“Always welcome.”

At least this was comfortable so far.

Face dropped down cross-legged beside him. He shifted so his shadow didn’t cover his friend’s face; if pressed, he wouldn’t have been able to say whether that was because he knew Murdock liked the sun in his eyes—he was a pilot, through and through—or if he did it so Murdock wouldn’t be able to see him properly.

Knowing no matter how long he sat here this wasn’t going to get any easier, Face cleared his throat. He decided to bulldoze his way through this horrible conversation.

“How . . . how’re you doing?”

“Me?” Murdock asked, as if there were a crowd of people around them and he needed to verify the question was directed towards him. “I’m fine and dandy, like sour candy!”

“Really?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Face sighed, and dropped it. “And . . . how is . . . uh . . .” He couldn’t complete the sentence.

Murdock was pretty perceptive, and answered his question anyway. “Kerry’s . . . okay.”

Face gave a quiet snort. Bulldoze, he reminded himself. “She didn’t seem too okay last night, or when she left this morning.”

Murdock’s gaze left the clouds and met his again.

“She came over today. On her lunch break.”

“Oh?” Face tried to lilt the word to give it a polite curiousness. That meant he missed her return by only a short time, since he and Hannibal left the house about noon. He was suddenly very interested in the grass between his legs.

“We talked.”

“You talk with her a lot.”

Murdock nodded, which shifted his hat off his forehead. “I like talking to her. We get along well.”

“Mm-hmm.”

A silence fell over them. This bulldozing technique wasn’t working so well. Murdock finally spoke up while Face was criticizing himself for being a pussy.

“We decided to take a break. From each other.”

The announcement snapped Face’s attention back to his friend.

“W-what? Murdock, no!” The simmering guilt flared up.

“It’s okay, Facey. Cross my heart.” Murdock drew an ex over his chest.

Face leaned closer and started reaching his friend’s arm, then drew back as if he was burned. He didn’t know what was appropriate now, after the events last night. As he’d done over and over since last night, he berated himself for giving into the ravenous lust that dominated so long in his life. If he’d only just continued to step back from himself and work harder at being levelheaded—

Murdock completed his motion for him and grabbed his wrist, then asked the pointed question Face both did and didn’t want at the same time.

“What’s going on, Face?”

Face’s lips thinned for a moment. Bulldoze! Doggedly he decided to just get it out.

“I’m sorry, Murdock. I’m so sorry I fucked up everything! Everything you had with Kerry, everything between us—I know I’m a pretty shitty human being, and I know that my life’s pretty much fucked—I never, ever, meant to do that to yours.”

The stark confusion on Murdock’s face was unanticipated. Murdock hiked himself up on an elbow, ignoring the fact his hat fell off completely.

“What are you talking about?”

After his quick outburst, Face found himself tongue-tied again. He could only shake his head miserably. The grass was very interesting again.

“Hey—hey!” Murdock said, pushing Face’s chest to force his attention back to him. He couldn’t keep his head up long, however, and Murdock continued even as his head dropped again. “Faceman, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ruining my life? How do you figure that? Do you know that since being with you—with all of you—my life is sparkly and unicorns and the fucking a-bomb?”

The head shake continued. “But now . . . because of me getting hot for your girlfriend, and jumping into bed with . . . her—and you . . . everything is weird and she’s gone . . . “

Murdock’s forehead wrinkled. “That was our choice, Face,” he contradicted. “You didn’t insist on that—if anything, we coerced you!”

“I shouldn’t have even considered it. I should have just—“

“Didn’t you like last night?”

Face glanced up at the plaintive note in Murdock’s voice. The pilot’s green eyes punctured to the back of his skull.

“. . . yes. Yes!” he answered truthfully. “. . . but then it started getting . . . weird . . . Kerry got a little . . .”

Murdock sighed. “Yeah. She got a little . . . weird. Do you know why? Do you want to know why?”

A little half-shrug, half-nod accompanied, “I figured it was something I did—“

“Whatever you figured, it’s wrong.”

The abrupt cut-off surprised him a little, and he risked a quick glance at his friend again.

Murdock sighed again. “It wasn’t you at all, Face. Kerry was on board for the entire experience. Honestly! She got that way because of me.”

Another glance.

“All me! I know you don’t know her as well I as do—“ Face snorted in agreement. “—but she was really excited about all of it. And when it started, she was even more happy that I had a hard-on . . .”

Murdock’s voice faded away for a moment. Not quite understanding what he was trying to drive at, Face remained silent. Murdock gave himself a shake.

“That’s bizarre to hear from another guy, isn’t it? ‘Course, we frenched last night, so that might bring down the uncomfortable-ness quotient quite a bit, huh?”

A slight tease flavored the query.

“You’re a good kisser,” Murdock continued lightly, tapping Face’s chest again. “You prob’ly know that, though.”

A self-conscious smile flitted over Face’s face. “You’re not bad yourself,” he replied.

“Oh, go on!” flirted Murdock coquettishly.

Face laughed aloud.

Murdock smiled back at him.

The two sat comfortably for a moment, and then Murdock shook himself again.

“Anyway. Kerry was happy that it might have meant we could have had actual sex . . .”

Face was suddenly sobered again.

“. . . but I lost my erection. So, even as hot as everything was, it was back to normal for us.”

“You lost your . . .” He cleared his throat to avoid having to repeat the word. As comfortable as he was with lots of topics about sex, Murdock was right: it was bizarre to hear about equipment problems spoken out loud and frankly. Then a thought struck him, and he couldn’t keep the horror out of his voice when he asked, “Because we kissed?”

“What? Oh, no. Not because of that,” Murdock laughed. Laughed! “I’m not gay, but that kiss last night was intense.”

As Murdock paused for a moment, Face waited for the inevitable question: was he gay? Bi? It wasn’t anything that they’d discussed before, but from experience he knew that not hesitating to kiss another man threw up red flags. Early in his life, when he felt the need to define himself, he had settled on the term heteroflexible. He didn’t think Murdock was going to have a problem with a semi-coming out—

Murdock, however, only smirked at the memory of the kiss, then drew his attention back to the conversation.

“It had nothing to do with that,” he reassured his friend. “It’s just that . . . well, with all the stupid meds I take—they’re not stupid, I know they’re a good thing—but one of the more . . . common . . . side effects is a short circuit for my junk’s hydraulic lift.”

“Oh. That’s . . . shitty.”

Face grimaced as those words came out. Wow, what a horrible thing to say to a man who knows he’s got erectile dysfunction, he thought.

“Yeah,” Murdock agreed affably. “Happens on a more-frequent-than-not basis. And whether or not I’ve just made out with another man, apparently. So it had nothing to do with you, okay?”

Face gave a slow nod.

“But it upset her. I tried to make it up to her—“ Murdock waved his hand in the air to indicate his activity last night; Face didn’t even need that non-verbal motion to know what he meant, he’d probably never get that image out of his mind, “—but you know how women are. Once they get their mind set on something . . .”

Face nodded again.

“Heck, I’m just happy she didn’t get all pissy and call the whole thing off, you know?”

Face swallowed. “She seemed pretty insistent that she do something for you.”

“Yeah, well. I guess I’m happier that that worked out too. Most times, once he’s down,” here he used his chin to nod towards his crotch, “he’s out for the count. Maybe you being there—you and your sultry lips!—helped.”

“So . . . Kerry was upset . . . “

“She was upset that I couldn’t perform for her,” Murdock filled in patiently. “And upset for me, thinking I’d be embarrassed because you saw it. She didn’t want you touching her after awhile so she could focus completely on me.”

That was a subtle way to tell him that not everything, every time revolved around Templeton Peck.

“Oh,” he managed to respond. “But you said you two were going to take a break . . .”

“Yep. I don’t have the all-encompassing humiliation reflex she does when it comes to my . . . problem. I chalk it up to that’s just the way it is. Real Zen. So I try to make it up to women in other ways.” He winked suggestively and fished for his hat, then lay back down. “But she wanted some time to wrap her head around me not being totally ashamed. Plus Hannibal said we’re leaving tomorrow, so it’s pretty good timing. Besides, this is a big city. Chances are we’ll be back again someday. Maybe I’ll see her again.”

“Wait—Hannibal said we’re—what?”

“Heading out. Didn’t Hannibal tell you? You were with him most of the day.” Again Murdock squinted up at him in curiosity.

“No,” Face replied, drawing out the word. “The Boss is pretty upset with me right now. Didn’t mention anything about anything.”

Murdock smothered a chuckle. “Sure he’s upset with you, Faceman! He’s prob’ly jealous that we invited you and not him last night!”

For a second, Face gaped, before he realized his friend was joking. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth.

Murdock made a show of studying him critically. “Hannibal’s got blue eyes, too, though. Not as bright as yours, so if I’m making my choice iris-based, you get more points. ‘Course, silver hair is a turn-on for some people. Point to him. And he’s got that sexy brogue thing going on. But your lips, man, and your mouth . . .”

Face allowed the mock inspection to continue, and tried not to smile again. He failed.

“No,” Murdock decided. “You’re the clear winner. We made the right choice.”

Face laughed again. It was nice to laugh with Murdock again. “Thanks, man.”

He paused, and took Murdock’s hand. “We good, then?”

Murdock squeezed his fingers. “We’re always good, Face. Always.”

Face felt like he’d never stop smiling.

 

 _fin_

**Author's Note:**

> The poem "In the Desert" by Stephen Crane is the basis for the story title. The chapter titles comprise, line by line, the entire poem. If you happen to click on the "Chapter Index" button, you'll get the poem in its entirety. It is a lovely, poignant poem, and seemed to fit well within Face's mentality throughout this piece. No copyright infringement is intended.


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